Der Stuka
Around 1990 my family visited the grandparents in Florida. They lived near Orlando, so we visited theme parks often while in the region. Sick of the usual stuff my uncle Alan suggested we go to Wet n' Wild. Me, my little sister Lisa, and my cousin Jonathan dug this idea, and the four of us headed over the following day.
I'm a terrible swimmer, and fear water in general, so this didn't seem like the best idea for me, but worst case scenario there's always easy floating in the lazy river. Okay I'm not that pathetic - I enjoyed the various rides which were basically slippery roller coasters. I did get anxious, however, when Alan and Jonathan were keen to go on the water slide known as "Der Stuka." Jonathan is 7 years younger than I, and I couldn't let this kid show me up. In fact he already went down it once and wanted to go again. I agreed to give it a whirl as well.
Der Stuka wasn't really a ride as much as getting pushed off the edge of a waterfall - more like a cliff - without any protective gear or protective conveyance. During the long, spiral walkway upward my heart began beating out of my chest. There was a last minute escape path at the top in case I wanted to chicken out. Despite all my aversion to free fall I went for it. What's the worst that'll happen? A painful tumble where I bash my head and break every vertebrae and fall off the side and plummet to my death as my family helplessly watched in horror?
For safety and stability you had to cross your arms and legs. It sure seemed like a design flaw that maintaining a specific body position factored so heavily toward avoiding major injury. A teenager, whose job was to push you over the edge, did the deed. Of course my eyes were closed.
A second, which felt like an hour, passed during which my body floated in air. Just me and earth's gravity. This is it. "I'm really going to die now," I thought.
I would have panicked but my underside finally met up with the curve of the slide. Not with a gentle kiss, but more like an elbow to the kidneys. Or a baseball bat. The pain of that shocked my brain enough to keep me from entering a fugue state.
At this point I would have screamed but water, as if from several fire hoses, shot right up my nose, into my mouth, and up my ass. My eyes remained closed during the remainder of this torture session. I imagine this is where they got the idea for waterboarding.
And just like that I lost all momentum and found myself laying flat at the bottom. I snorted all the foreign fluid out of my irritated sinuses. That was fucking bullshit. Somewhat angrily I immediately stood up.
Suddenly I heard a small round of applause. I turned to see a trio of young women clapping in my direction. Hunh? Only then I noticed the force of the slide gave me the most heinous wedgie - my bathing suit rode up so high it had been basically reduced to a thong.
Egads! I immediately flopped by down to be obscured by the short walls of the slide and adjusted my swimwear. The girls laughed and went on their way.
That wasn't fun at all.